My Testimony, Epiphany 1: Self-Worth and Racism
In my testimony, "Atheist to Theist" I said that I had "epiphanies". There was no bright light, audible noise or out-of-body experience. Maybe God knew that wouldn't be right for me. I would've always wondered if it was just a temporary lapse in sanity and more permanently doubted His existence. Instead, God gave me epiphanies.
As much as I'd rather not admit this or post it on the internet, I have to divulge that I was quite racially prejudice and was raised that way. To be frank, I think most people were raised that way, but people tend to deny it or in some cases don't realize it. I was never hateful in the sense that I wanted anybody to get hurt, or to have any rights taken away. No, I just wanted to live separately from them. I wanted them to have a happy life in their little corner of the world and for me and my family and larger society as a whole, to live on our separate island, in our homogeneous society.
When God gave me these epiphanies, that was one of the most prominent strongholds released from me. After a lifetime of seeing and believing in inferior races, in an instant, I saw the truth. I want you to know that I had been wanting and trying to change this about myself; the prejudice, for most of my life. I wanted to freely love and accept people, to give them a fair chance, but most importantly to be relieved of the weight of the hate. I didn't want to bare the burden of hating or being annoyed at a race of people. I didn't want anyone to be hurt because they could sense what I thought. I never wanted to make someone feel that way, no matter how much I wanted them to stop mixing up with my society. Jesus addressed that when he gave me these epiphanies - all in an instant, with his presence, that hate and entire world view was lifted off of me and out of me.
More-so than that, Jesus revealed to me that all people are infinitely valuable and worthy. When I felt the presence of Jesus, it was clear that races are not inferior or superior to each other. Even if there was a difference between groups of people where some are inferior or superior to others, it would be infinitely negligible because our value is infinite. That was just no longer a question. I saw beauty from people all around the world of different races and I witnessed that they are good and radiating the light of God. Jesus allowed me to see them through his eyes and feel his love for them.
I understood the truth for the moment that He was with me. Unfortunately, I lost the Holy Spirit. I'm not sure why it didn't stick with me. But I do remember the clarity and what was revealed to me at that time. It felt so light. Joy was emanating from me. Joy and zest for life and gratitude for life, appreciation for all of creation was filling me so much that it was radiating out of me. I learned that, with the Holy Spirit, that wasn't a state of being that I need to continually work for, seek out, or struggle to take from the outside world and try to consume it. It was God within me that produced that experience, those kinds of things like love and joy and happiness came from God; and I mean real, pure, nothing but joy. It wasn't a temporary laughter in the midst of misery kind of joy. It was flowing. There was no darkness left within me.
Realizing the infinite worth of each human being includes myself. I understood my worth. I understood that I am eternal. I am his creation. This time that I am alive here on Earth matters because it is part of His plan. I am here to serve Him by carrying out His plan and being the best Christian I can be. Not just the best person, certainly not the most 'religious', but to use this time on Earth to perfect my soul. I am here, as on a playground, to use the tools here on Earth to polish the roughness away and change myself as needed to become a better soul. The challenges here on Earth serve to show me where I need work, to give me something solid to use to scrape away grime and something to push against so I can change.
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