A Poem 11 Years Overdue

You called and said I have not changed, but I didn't know I was supposed to.

Couldn't get it through my mind that you didn't love me how I was.

I let you spend me the way we can only be spent once, but you didn't need me the way I needed you.

I had no family, no God, so I worshiped you. Decided you would be the only family I need.

You said I haven't changed. In what way were you hoping? I would've done it. Like walking in a sand storm, the sand moved beneath my feet, the air tore me grain by grain until I was worn away, I couldn't see where I was going, had no reason why, no place left to get to.

But my body would not let me die, and so I walked with no hope for the future, doomed to living without a body or only half a body, when one flesh became two, and you were with another, how could you do that to me? How? And there's no one there to love me. Because you were my family, my future, I gave to you what belongs to God, my devotion, heart, soul, worship, future.

I'm glad you didn't want it. I'm glad it's still God's. And my family is growing. Because you were not the one. And thank God that I am alive. I thank God that I survived. Because at the time all I wanted was to die. Then I said, "God, please take my life."

And now the pain you caused in me is part of the great tapestry that speaks the history of my life; aside from that you mean nearly nothing to me.

I hope God makes you right. And someday we may be a family under God, when his light burns through the lust and loss and sins, died on the cross, and our love for one another is made pure, I hope we both really find that light.