My Testimony - Epiphany 2 - Sin

These epiphanies are in no particular order. In fact, the state of consciousness that God gave me, to see the truth, was really all at once. It's me who has parsed it out and organized the experience into numbered epiphanies.

Before, I talked about the love, the beauty, the clarity of vision, the understanding of our worth and purpose on this earth. I touched on a lot in "My Testimony - Epiphany 1"that had to do with relief and joy.

Now I want to talk about what made me cry with the most gratitude of all. All at once, the veil lifted and I could see my sins. All my life, whether Christian, Atheist, or Agnostic, I've always been a goody. I always followed the 10 Commandments. I could count on one hand the number of times that I had ever, ever lied, stolen or broken any of the commandments. Once I took a pencil off someone's desk and later returned it (stealing). Once, I lied to my mom that I hadn't climbed up on the roof and spilled paint all over the back yard. I was six and ended up telling the truth after some prodding. There was one sin I committed pretty regularly when I got a bit older which was sex before marriage, but at that point I had long been an Atheist. The point is that, even as an Atheist, by a very large margin, I was less of a sinner than any Christians or any person for that matter that I've ever known. I didn't even drink or smoke - not even in college.

I couldn't stand to hear Christians say that "We're all sinners." It was enraging and sickening to think that these weak people had to project their problems onto me to feel better about themselves. "No! We're not all sinners..." I thought to myself, "...and there is no 'we', you are all animals compared to me, you don't even have the intelligence to develop the self-control I engendered by the time I was six years old."

When I reached out to Jesus, and he let me see the truth, my sin became so clear. So, so clear. I could see it spanning over years of my life. The feeling of realizing the truth was like the feeling hitting a giant gong could give you. Pride. Of course, I knew I was prideful before God showed me, but I did not see the extent of it. It was every breath I took, every decision I made; nearly all of my thoughts, actions and feelings were motivated by pride. Pride was, and still sometimes is, the fire that fuels my engine. It is so very entangled and long-standing. So I'm taking time, I'm being patient with myself, but persistent to change my ways.

I saw pride, but I also saw my hatefulness and I also saw so much more good that is a part of existence that I was completely unaware of or had almost completely forgotten. I'm certain I wouldn't have recovered those memories on my own; what it feels like to be joyous and free of turmoil. I feel that the lack of appreciation and that level of blindness is also very sinful. Or more accurately, it's the consequence of the sin. The consequence is to be blind to the magnificence.

I said it made me cry, but I was crying because down to the deepest depths of my soul I could intensely feel powerful, complete, all-encompassing forgiveness. I was in awe at how immediate thoroughly thorough the forgiveness was. It touched parts of my inner being, reconnected me with parts of myself I had not known, felt, experienced in a very long time (since childhood), I was able to get reminded of who I was, who I am, lifted out from, freed from spiritual oppression, damnation. The forgiveness was contagious. I forcefully, completed forgiveness that I needed to finish towards people. I was really crying because I didn't know I needed forgiveness, the Holy Spirit washed through me and dissolved the dusts of unforgiveness idle in my soul and spirit. God forgave me. I was new. I was resurrected. and I forgave myself too.

Any deliberation about it was understood to be fruitless. No courts, no explanation needed, no ifs or contingencies, just immediate, pure, thorough forgiveness dwelt within me. Thank you God. Thank you God.

I just cried the most out of gratitude. What did I do to deserve His mercy. With my new-found humility I asked, "who am I to deserve this...any of this?" God did things for me that day that I didn't know needed to be done.

That forgiveness that I needed to complete towards other people and the forgiveness that I didn't know I needed from myself, was needed in order to dissolve divisions I held in my spirit. It made it impossible for me to heal. That relief was really unspeakable, I'm just grateful. Grateful...grateful. Thank you God. Thank you.

I didn't even know what my sin was. Without repayment required, I am simply forgiven.